Unlike in modern marriages where two people meet, fall in love, and decide to marry, Sumerian marriages were mostly arranged and focused more on procreation than love.
According to the Greek writer Herodotus, bridal auctions were also common; a woman would end up with the highest bidder. The richest men would marry the most beautiful women (according to the cultural standards of the time). Commoners and those from neighboring villages would also attend these auctions.
Marriage was taken very seriously, and all people needed to get married. It was viewed as an avenue to ensure social stability and the continuation of family lineage. Most marriages were arranged; two complete strangers would be brought together and made to marry. A bride and groom had virtually no hand in the marriage contract. The contract was between the father of the bride and the father of the groom.
However, we cannot rule out the presence of emotions and love. Even in those days, people used to write love songs and poems which can be considered evidence that some couples were romantically attached. Even though it was unheard of for people to marry on their own, there were those who lived together without being formally married.
Marriage Contract
Per Mesopotamian law, formal marriages began with a legal marriage contract. If a man started living with a woman informally, she was not considered his wife. Couples were not allowed to decide to marry in the absence of joint family representatives.
After signing the contract, attended by several witnesses, the families would organize a wedding ceremony.
For a wedding ceremony to be considered valid, there had to be a feast. Similarly, for a marriage to be validated, the couple had to undertake these five processes:
- Engagement;
- Payment of the bride price and dowry by the groom’s and bride’s families;
- The actual feast or ceremony;
- The bride is to move out of her father’s house and into her father in law’s compound;
- The married couple would engage in intercourse and hopefully become pregnant on the feast day.
Skipping of any of these steps, or if things failed to go as planned, for example, if the bride could not get pregnant, the marriage would be considered null and void. Furthermore, if the bride was not a virgin or could not have kids, the groom and his family would take her back to her home. He would be refunded the bride price, and his family would return the dowry.
Engagement
Engagement was taken very seriously, and failure to honor it came with consequences. If a suitor changed their mind, they could forget about the deposit they had made. Alternatively, if a father-in-law wanted out, he would have to compensate the affected suitor double the sum he was initially expected to pay. On top of that, if a rival suitor tried to talk the father-in-law into changing his mind, the father-in-law would be forced to pay double, and the suitor would also be banned from marrying his daughter. These measures prevented young people and their families from changing their minds for no apparent reason. They also discouraged young men and women from falling in love with someone other than the one chosen by their parents.
After marriage, couples were expected to start having babies immediately. Today, sexual modesty is prized in Sumerian society, but then sex was nothing to be embarrassed or shy about.
In spite of all these measures, some people were still unfaithful to their partners. When they were caught, judges punished them severely, including sentencing them to death.
The Importance of Procreation
Children were the main reason why people married. Barrenness was highly undesirable, and if a woman was unable to have kids, her husband was allowed to have a second wife. When choosing a second wife, the husband would consult his first wife. The first wife was also responsible for ensuring that the second wife produced children. These children would then become the children of the first wife and were allowed to take the family name and inherit property.
A husband also had the right to have many concubines if he could afford them. The argument was that the more concubines, the more children there would be, thus securing the continuity of the family line. If a wife was infertile or became ill, her husband could look for concubines.
Men were not allowed to divorce their sick wives; instead, they were expected to look after her and honor her till she passed on. If the wife died, the concubine below her in the family hierarchy would take up her position.
Divorce
Divorce was not encouraged, and as a result, cases of separation were few. Most couples, even those that were unhappy, lived with each other till one of them died. Some sources, however, show that some women would run away from their homes to have sex with other men. Such acts were unacceptable, and if they were caught, they would be drowned in the river with their lover. Both of the offending parties would be punished together and equally, and if one was forgiven, the other one was to be pardoned too. A husband could decide to rescue his cheating wife, and if that happened, the lover would also be forgiven.
Husbands had the right to initiate divorce but not wives. However, if there was evidence that a husband was abusing or neglecting his wife, she could then initiate a divorce. If a husband divorced his wife because of infertility, he was to return the dowry. Once she was gone, the husband would bring a concubine on board. Men were never blamed for childlessness in the family. Husbands could also divorce their wives if she neglected him or if she committed adultery. The wife would then be forced to return her husband’s belongings and also suffer humiliation.
It was uncommon for women to leave their families. A woman relocating to another region to live away from her family was rare unless she was a prostitute.
If a woman expressed interest in divorcing her husband, she could be chased out of the house and left naked and penniless. The wife was to recognize the husband as the head of the family and his authority. If a woman wanted to divorce her husband, she had to prove that he was failing in his role as a man.
Amid all the legalities and difficulties, there were still happy couples in Sumer who enjoyed living together with their children and grandchildren.
